I love this so, so much. If I ever notice that writing feels like an obligation, that's when I know it's time to take a break to focus on family or work. It's just impossible to keep up with writing, school, work, family, etc. even when I so desperately want to. But then that gets me thinking... *why* do I want that? Usually it is the result of social media, cultural expectations, pressure, or something else. Something other than what I actually want. It's a lot to navigate!
Hi Hilary! I thought this was a really thoughtful essay. I think it's so important to give yourself grace in those moments when you skip a deadline or two to spend time with your kids. The world can wait, but you are the only mom they have. I especially connected with, "I don’t think modern women forgot how to do less. I think we forgot how to decide what deserves less, because everything now feels equally urgent." I really feel this way too. There is an urgency to build something, have a side hustle, get the essay out on time, connect with the subscribers. It's a lot to manage. But I think just having the perspective that we are the ones who decide where our energy goes every day. And some days it can be super family focused. And other days we can spend more time on our creative projects. Everything can have its place, just maybe not every single day.
“Everything can have its place, just maybe not every single day.” I love that. I think that’s exactly the lesson I’m still learning. Thank you for reading and for such a thoughtful response. 🫶
Great piece and so relatable. Coming from a founder mum, I can honestly say I definitely don't have it all together. Some days I feel like I'm making progress with the business, other days I'm just trying to keep everyone fed and get to bedtime in one piece.
I think so many of us are trying to discover who we are in motherhood and figure out what works for our own families, while social media makes it look like everyone else has already got it sorted.
I loved your reminder that life doesn't have to be perfect to be meaningful. Maybe the "ish" is where most of us are living, and that's more than enough.
“Having it all” was always suspiciously vague about who would be handling the logistics. Women were sold the whole glittering skyline and then was handed the grocery list, the school calendar, and everyone else’s emotional labor. No wonder the dream started feeling like an unpaid management position.
"We turned that question into an obligation" - whew! Such a good reminder that even if we could have it all, it's fine to question whether that's what we want -- and where adding "ish" could save us some frenzy and heartache along the way. Thank you for these thoughts, this is such a worthwhile read!
HILARY SO GOOD!! I especially loved this paragraph: We entered adulthood just as Lean In and Girlboss culture took over, and I went all in. Celebrities became founders, founders became celebrities. Ambition became an obsession that lived inside our pockets. Every time we opened our phones, there were funding announcements, promotions, women who somehow seemed to be at the top of their careers, raising kids, and never once looking like it cost them anything.
it is SO true! I am so excited for us to hopefully chat more about this soon!! <3
I fully agree with you and feel the exact same way. I really want to have it all simultaneously but it’s simply not possible. We don’t have a village like what our parents used to have, we’re left alone to figure it out and are constantly bombarded by other people telling us what and how we need to do things. The pressure is too high and society isn’t making it any easy on us so that we put even more pressure on ourselves. I don’t have a solution and it pains that I have to come to terms with the fact that I can’t have it all at the same time even though I actually deserve it..
I totally relate! I have spent lots of time cooking today (and getting special ingredients for my still-has-a-stomach-bug-why baby), and the laundry pile/writing tasks have been untouched as a result. I had to stop myself from writing that I was "neglecting" everything else. My children are cared for and dinner will be yummy. That's the sum total for today.
Thank you for your service to women and staying healthy. The first part of the work I do as a nurse walking people through chronic illness and cancer is you need to take things off your plate, then keep reminding them of this lesson. You are doing awesome being present and knowing you can't do it all and that training and pressure need to go out with the trash.
I love this so, so much. If I ever notice that writing feels like an obligation, that's when I know it's time to take a break to focus on family or work. It's just impossible to keep up with writing, school, work, family, etc. even when I so desperately want to. But then that gets me thinking... *why* do I want that? Usually it is the result of social media, cultural expectations, pressure, or something else. Something other than what I actually want. It's a lot to navigate!
This is exactly the kind of conversation I was hoping this essay would start. Thank you so much for reading ❤️
Hi Hilary! I thought this was a really thoughtful essay. I think it's so important to give yourself grace in those moments when you skip a deadline or two to spend time with your kids. The world can wait, but you are the only mom they have. I especially connected with, "I don’t think modern women forgot how to do less. I think we forgot how to decide what deserves less, because everything now feels equally urgent." I really feel this way too. There is an urgency to build something, have a side hustle, get the essay out on time, connect with the subscribers. It's a lot to manage. But I think just having the perspective that we are the ones who decide where our energy goes every day. And some days it can be super family focused. And other days we can spend more time on our creative projects. Everything can have its place, just maybe not every single day.
“Everything can have its place, just maybe not every single day.” I love that. I think that’s exactly the lesson I’m still learning. Thank you for reading and for such a thoughtful response. 🫶
Yes! We talk often about the societal lie that we can have it all. Trying to find our own balance in the ish too! 🙌
Great piece and so relatable. Coming from a founder mum, I can honestly say I definitely don't have it all together. Some days I feel like I'm making progress with the business, other days I'm just trying to keep everyone fed and get to bedtime in one piece.
I think so many of us are trying to discover who we are in motherhood and figure out what works for our own families, while social media makes it look like everyone else has already got it sorted.
I loved your reminder that life doesn't have to be perfect to be meaningful. Maybe the "ish" is where most of us are living, and that's more than enough.
This is a great piece, I liked the way you described the need for excellence across the board. That sums it up pretty well.
I wrote about chasing the impossible standards and how it led to catastrophic burnout.
Hope you won’t mind me posting it here
https://joannedoylewrites.substack.com/p/leaning-in-cost-all-gen-x-women?r=3s9z4a&utm_medium=ios
Ohh this was such a good one. And so frustrating to read at the same time because all of it's true!
“Having it all” was always suspiciously vague about who would be handling the logistics. Women were sold the whole glittering skyline and then was handed the grocery list, the school calendar, and everyone else’s emotional labor. No wonder the dream started feeling like an unpaid management position.
I feel this tension so deeply and feel seen in this writing. Thanks for putting words to what we all quietly feel in the background!
I can relate to all of this! I crashed and burned while running a luxury boudoir business and trying to be the caregiver for my autistic son.
Now I’m full-time caregiver and I could not be happier.
Also, I’m so happy you were able to take that time spending time with your family! That is way more important than keeping up with the newsletter 💕
"We turned that question into an obligation" - whew! Such a good reminder that even if we could have it all, it's fine to question whether that's what we want -- and where adding "ish" could save us some frenzy and heartache along the way. Thank you for these thoughts, this is such a worthwhile read!
Thank you so much. If the “-ish” gives even one person permission to let go of a little pressure, it’ll have done its job!
HILARY SO GOOD!! I especially loved this paragraph: We entered adulthood just as Lean In and Girlboss culture took over, and I went all in. Celebrities became founders, founders became celebrities. Ambition became an obsession that lived inside our pockets. Every time we opened our phones, there were funding announcements, promotions, women who somehow seemed to be at the top of their careers, raising kids, and never once looking like it cost them anything.
it is SO true! I am so excited for us to hopefully chat more about this soon!! <3
Ahh thank you!! ❤️ That paragraph was the heart of the essay for me. I can’t wait to chat more about it too.
I fully agree with you and feel the exact same way. I really want to have it all simultaneously but it’s simply not possible. We don’t have a village like what our parents used to have, we’re left alone to figure it out and are constantly bombarded by other people telling us what and how we need to do things. The pressure is too high and society isn’t making it any easy on us so that we put even more pressure on ourselves. I don’t have a solution and it pains that I have to come to terms with the fact that I can’t have it all at the same time even though I actually deserve it..
Thank you for sharing this. Reading everyone’s experiences is making me realize just how universal this feeling is ❤️ thank you so much for reading!
I totally relate! I have spent lots of time cooking today (and getting special ingredients for my still-has-a-stomach-bug-why baby), and the laundry pile/writing tasks have been untouched as a result. I had to stop myself from writing that I was "neglecting" everything else. My children are cared for and dinner will be yummy. That's the sum total for today.
Love this so much
I’m so glad you enjoyed it. Thank you so much for reading! 🫶
Thank you for your service to women and staying healthy. The first part of the work I do as a nurse walking people through chronic illness and cancer is you need to take things off your plate, then keep reminding them of this lesson. You are doing awesome being present and knowing you can't do it all and that training and pressure need to go out with the trash.
Thanks for normalizing family time over deadlines — even self imposed ones. Insightful read!
So glad you enjoyed this one. Thank you so much for reading!!