THIS. My husband also travels, but in smaller chunks (max 4-5 business days). Work travel has always been a part of his career, but it hits different for the past 5 years since we had our oldest. I started reserving things like certain tv shows and online shopping for when he is gone as something to look forward to after 13+ hours of "being on." Wrote about it in my post this week so very timely!! Being the flexible parent is super hard and I always go back to Ali Wong's "Do you know how much more successful I would be if I had a wife?" joke.
The Ali Wong line is so funny because it hits a little too close to home. 😅 I love that you’ve started saving certain shows and online shopping for those weeks. it feels like a tiny act of self-preservation.
I just did 4 days solo with 2 kids under 4, it’s a lot. But to your point of needing a wife- we decided to keep our nanny one more year which I recognize as a great privilege but it’s our only back up. Having a third extremely reliable person allows us to both work the way we want. I also do random online shopping while my husband is gone haha.
I think you’re touching on something we don’t talk about enough—sometimes the only way both parents can fully show up for work is because there’s a trusted third person helping carry the load. And online shopping is the best way to cope when he’s away 😅
Yes a trusted third person is so important. For those who have grandparents or someone else always available that’s great but if you don’t then it’s tough.
The TV! The special meals! My husband and I lived apart for three years, and I came to crave my alone time at the end of the day. Now that we're together again, I still do most of the work (I left my career to make a move) and still get pissy about it.
Loved reading this and I recently wrote about the same topic. Mothers naturally carry the metal load—putting the pediatrician appointments on our calendar, packing the diaper bag, etc. I’m infuriated every time we’re out and I’m forced to change the baby‘s diaper because there’s no changing table in the men’s bathroom.
Also, still can’t get over the fact that you’re solo parenting two children for over a month. A real superhero 🦸🏼♀️
Thank you so much. And yes, the changing table issue is such a perfect example of the problem. We say parenting should be shared, but so much of the world is still built around the assumption that mom is the one handling it.
And thank you. lol I definitely don't feel like a superhero most days, but we're making it through one solo-parenting day at a time!
glad you are throwing your phone out the window to be honest.
I think this is a really really important and interesting question we need to ask ourselves, and I think part of the answer lies in the beginning of your post - that it’s never spoken about.
My husband and I aim to have a relationship talk monthly - what’s working, what’s not, what’s changing. Inevitably, when we have babies we will likely be in the same boat. We are both currently reskilling in masters programs after 6-8 years of professional full time work. I think there’s something to be said for babies needing mom for the first couple years of life more than needing dad - breast feeding, skin to skin contact, oxytocin, secure attachment (ofc they need dad for security too) but i think that’s where the pattern starts, and some women never are able to get out of that.
BUT I do think there’s a way for couples to alternate who’s work “counts” most. There will always be childcare or errands, etc, and I think most couples are not willing to sacrifice the financial benefit that comes from their partners “steady” job in your case - or they simply can’t. So there’s sooo many factors, but i’ve seen couples alternate - for a few years one partner gets to chase their career at full speed, then if at a good pausing point, the other partner gets to. it’s not perfect because timing is an issue and things never go to plan like that, but I have seen it work!
I dunno - maybe none of us have the answer. I loved the bit about mental load of the house - by husband and I bicker about this often and we don’t even have kids!! Thanks for bringing this to our consciousness 🤍
I love this perspective. The idea that couples can take turns rather than one person’s work always “winning” is such an interesting way to think about it.
And I completely agree that once the default-parent dynamic gets established, it can be really difficult to undo. Thank you for such a thoughtful comment💗
My husband and I have a business together and we have 2 small kids. I’m the default parent and he’s the default at work. We do talk about this and we adjust and adapt. We’re trying to build a life together where we both are fulfilled, we are present with our kids and everyone is thriving. Still figuring it out!
I love the way you phrased this: “We’re trying to build a life together where we both are fulfilled.” I don’t think there’s a perfect formula, but the fact that you’re talking about it, adjusting, and adapting together feels incredibly important.💗
"Most mothers just call it Tuesday." I laughed and then felt it land somewhere true. The mental load was never on a list anywhere in my house but it was always on me, the dentist appointments, the camp deadlines, the knowing what we were running low on before anyone else noticed. My kids are grown now and I look back and realize I was carrying a filing cabinet in my head for twenty years that nobody ever saw or counted as work. You named something real here. 🤍
I love this! You're totally speaking to my heart and to the things I'm maybe a little bit too afraid to say right now. You also have me laughing! Thank you so much for speaking about it. We don't want to badmouth the Dad's but also why is it that I've asked For an hour of alone time a day, or even twice a week- to start taking my writing more seriously and treat it like a job and I haven't had that yet. Or in that hour all I can really muster up is to wash my body or wash the kitchen or eat something or just lay flat on the bathroom floor staring at the ceiling. It's burn out and maybe we need to be asking for more than an hour a day to fulfil our dreams.
So well said, your writing touches on so many things I struggle to arrive. It’s so true about schools calling the mother. It is assumed we are the default in millions of ways and as you’ve articulated there is a price to pay for putting ourselves last, or our needs being automatically deemed less significant than the working parent
So many things that eventually become businesses, books, careers, or movements spend years in the "potential" stage. They still require time, focus, and belief long before they generate a paycheck. Thank you for putting words to something so many women quietly carry.
I’m not done building yet either Hilary. Very relatable post and this same conversation comes up in our household too. My husband works really hard and so do I, doing completely different tasks and he helps whenever he can but his business is very demanding and every day is different especially with the kids.
I feel that men are also often given better opportunities?
Women are just naturally inclined to carry all the mental load. Planning and scheduling and keeping the house in order is the natural name of the game.
Men are just wired to work, and they just naturally block everything else out because they do not have the cognitive capacity to deal with other things. It is just how they are wired.
I have learnt to deal it with myself. And my husband at least acknowledges that he does not do much with regards to raising the boys.
What struck me while writing this is how often these dynamics emerge even in relationships where both people have the best intentions. We rarely sit down and decide who will carry the mental load—it just slowly gets distributed that way over time
"Maybe it’s recognizing that both people’s ambitions deserve to be treated as real before they become profitable."
Yes, love this ^! We already know how to do this - we do it with founders all the time. We fund and celebrate startups on potential alone (years before they turn a profit) because we can see the promise of scale and profit. A mother building something is working on potential too but is rarely given that same grace. She has to prove it's profitable before it counts as "real." Also wow - I'm in awe of you doing 45 days of solo parenting two kids. Sending you all the best wishes for sleep and fewer meltdowns!
Such a good point. We have no problem treating a startup as “real” years before it turns a profit, yet so many women feel like they have to justify their ambitions until there’s a paycheck attached to them. I hadn’t thought about it through that lens, but it fits perfectly. And thank you! I’m taking all the sleep and fewer-meltdown wishes I can get.❤️
I just really loved this. It was perfect. It’s something I’ll never understand but also something I’m not asking to change. It’s incredibly difficult but the greatest gift.
Thank you. I think that’s what makes this conversation so complicated. We can acknowledge how difficult it is without wishing it away. Sometimes the greatest gifts ask the most of us.❤️
I’m totally with you. My husband doesn’t travel a ton, but he has no days off, and he’s at the beck and call of clients. I am completely the default parent, and I have literally said to him “I feel like my things don’t matter as much as yours.” It’s so hard, and all of the tiny things we do add up to so much. Sending you patience and positive vibes for the remaining days!
“I feel like my things don’t matter as much as yours” is such a painful but honest way to describe it. I think that’s the feeling so many women were responding to in this essay. Thank you for sharing that, and thank you for the positive vibes 💗💗
It's an age old story.... I'm 67 and I remember having these thoughts 40 years ago. There doesn't seem to have been much change in the way work is distributed - or valued - within the home.
I love this and I always knew we carry most of the load of the household and the child care however to see those the stats is actually is mind blowing.
I think that’s exactly why those statistics stuck with me too. None of them felt shocking, and yet seeing them in black and white was somehow validating. Like, “Oh, I’m not imagining this. 😅
THIS. My husband also travels, but in smaller chunks (max 4-5 business days). Work travel has always been a part of his career, but it hits different for the past 5 years since we had our oldest. I started reserving things like certain tv shows and online shopping for when he is gone as something to look forward to after 13+ hours of "being on." Wrote about it in my post this week so very timely!! Being the flexible parent is super hard and I always go back to Ali Wong's "Do you know how much more successful I would be if I had a wife?" joke.
The Ali Wong line is so funny because it hits a little too close to home. 😅 I love that you’ve started saving certain shows and online shopping for those weeks. it feels like a tiny act of self-preservation.
Thank you for reading!
I just did 4 days solo with 2 kids under 4, it’s a lot. But to your point of needing a wife- we decided to keep our nanny one more year which I recognize as a great privilege but it’s our only back up. Having a third extremely reliable person allows us to both work the way we want. I also do random online shopping while my husband is gone haha.
I think you’re touching on something we don’t talk about enough—sometimes the only way both parents can fully show up for work is because there’s a trusted third person helping carry the load. And online shopping is the best way to cope when he’s away 😅
Yes a trusted third person is so important. For those who have grandparents or someone else always available that’s great but if you don’t then it’s tough.
The TV! The special meals! My husband and I lived apart for three years, and I came to crave my alone time at the end of the day. Now that we're together again, I still do most of the work (I left my career to make a move) and still get pissy about it.
Loved reading this and I recently wrote about the same topic. Mothers naturally carry the metal load—putting the pediatrician appointments on our calendar, packing the diaper bag, etc. I’m infuriated every time we’re out and I’m forced to change the baby‘s diaper because there’s no changing table in the men’s bathroom.
Also, still can’t get over the fact that you’re solo parenting two children for over a month. A real superhero 🦸🏼♀️
Thank you so much. And yes, the changing table issue is such a perfect example of the problem. We say parenting should be shared, but so much of the world is still built around the assumption that mom is the one handling it.
And thank you. lol I definitely don't feel like a superhero most days, but we're making it through one solo-parenting day at a time!
glad you are throwing your phone out the window to be honest.
I think this is a really really important and interesting question we need to ask ourselves, and I think part of the answer lies in the beginning of your post - that it’s never spoken about.
My husband and I aim to have a relationship talk monthly - what’s working, what’s not, what’s changing. Inevitably, when we have babies we will likely be in the same boat. We are both currently reskilling in masters programs after 6-8 years of professional full time work. I think there’s something to be said for babies needing mom for the first couple years of life more than needing dad - breast feeding, skin to skin contact, oxytocin, secure attachment (ofc they need dad for security too) but i think that’s where the pattern starts, and some women never are able to get out of that.
BUT I do think there’s a way for couples to alternate who’s work “counts” most. There will always be childcare or errands, etc, and I think most couples are not willing to sacrifice the financial benefit that comes from their partners “steady” job in your case - or they simply can’t. So there’s sooo many factors, but i’ve seen couples alternate - for a few years one partner gets to chase their career at full speed, then if at a good pausing point, the other partner gets to. it’s not perfect because timing is an issue and things never go to plan like that, but I have seen it work!
I dunno - maybe none of us have the answer. I loved the bit about mental load of the house - by husband and I bicker about this often and we don’t even have kids!! Thanks for bringing this to our consciousness 🤍
I love this perspective. The idea that couples can take turns rather than one person’s work always “winning” is such an interesting way to think about it.
And I completely agree that once the default-parent dynamic gets established, it can be really difficult to undo. Thank you for such a thoughtful comment💗
thank you for a thoughtful article 🥹✨
My husband and I have a business together and we have 2 small kids. I’m the default parent and he’s the default at work. We do talk about this and we adjust and adapt. We’re trying to build a life together where we both are fulfilled, we are present with our kids and everyone is thriving. Still figuring it out!
I love the way you phrased this: “We’re trying to build a life together where we both are fulfilled.” I don’t think there’s a perfect formula, but the fact that you’re talking about it, adjusting, and adapting together feels incredibly important.💗
"Most mothers just call it Tuesday." I laughed and then felt it land somewhere true. The mental load was never on a list anywhere in my house but it was always on me, the dentist appointments, the camp deadlines, the knowing what we were running low on before anyone else noticed. My kids are grown now and I look back and realize I was carrying a filing cabinet in my head for twenty years that nobody ever saw or counted as work. You named something real here. 🤍
I love this! You're totally speaking to my heart and to the things I'm maybe a little bit too afraid to say right now. You also have me laughing! Thank you so much for speaking about it. We don't want to badmouth the Dad's but also why is it that I've asked For an hour of alone time a day, or even twice a week- to start taking my writing more seriously and treat it like a job and I haven't had that yet. Or in that hour all I can really muster up is to wash my body or wash the kitchen or eat something or just lay flat on the bathroom floor staring at the ceiling. It's burn out and maybe we need to be asking for more than an hour a day to fulfil our dreams.
So well said, your writing touches on so many things I struggle to arrive. It’s so true about schools calling the mother. It is assumed we are the default in millions of ways and as you’ve articulated there is a price to pay for putting ourselves last, or our needs being automatically deemed less significant than the working parent
So many things that eventually become businesses, books, careers, or movements spend years in the "potential" stage. They still require time, focus, and belief long before they generate a paycheck. Thank you for putting words to something so many women quietly carry.
I’m not done building yet either Hilary. Very relatable post and this same conversation comes up in our household too. My husband works really hard and so do I, doing completely different tasks and he helps whenever he can but his business is very demanding and every day is different especially with the kids.
Great post, you put it all very succinctly.
I feel that men are also often given better opportunities?
Women are just naturally inclined to carry all the mental load. Planning and scheduling and keeping the house in order is the natural name of the game.
Men are just wired to work, and they just naturally block everything else out because they do not have the cognitive capacity to deal with other things. It is just how they are wired.
I have learnt to deal it with myself. And my husband at least acknowledges that he does not do much with regards to raising the boys.
Thank you!
What struck me while writing this is how often these dynamics emerge even in relationships where both people have the best intentions. We rarely sit down and decide who will carry the mental load—it just slowly gets distributed that way over time
"Maybe it’s recognizing that both people’s ambitions deserve to be treated as real before they become profitable."
Yes, love this ^! We already know how to do this - we do it with founders all the time. We fund and celebrate startups on potential alone (years before they turn a profit) because we can see the promise of scale and profit. A mother building something is working on potential too but is rarely given that same grace. She has to prove it's profitable before it counts as "real." Also wow - I'm in awe of you doing 45 days of solo parenting two kids. Sending you all the best wishes for sleep and fewer meltdowns!
Such a good point. We have no problem treating a startup as “real” years before it turns a profit, yet so many women feel like they have to justify their ambitions until there’s a paycheck attached to them. I hadn’t thought about it through that lens, but it fits perfectly. And thank you! I’m taking all the sleep and fewer-meltdown wishes I can get.❤️
I just really loved this. It was perfect. It’s something I’ll never understand but also something I’m not asking to change. It’s incredibly difficult but the greatest gift.
Thank you. I think that’s what makes this conversation so complicated. We can acknowledge how difficult it is without wishing it away. Sometimes the greatest gifts ask the most of us.❤️
I’m totally with you. My husband doesn’t travel a ton, but he has no days off, and he’s at the beck and call of clients. I am completely the default parent, and I have literally said to him “I feel like my things don’t matter as much as yours.” It’s so hard, and all of the tiny things we do add up to so much. Sending you patience and positive vibes for the remaining days!
“I feel like my things don’t matter as much as yours” is such a painful but honest way to describe it. I think that’s the feeling so many women were responding to in this essay. Thank you for sharing that, and thank you for the positive vibes 💗💗
It's an age old story.... I'm 67 and I remember having these thoughts 40 years ago. There doesn't seem to have been much change in the way work is distributed - or valued - within the home.
Exactly! We like to think we’ve evolved, but it’s the same script just with better branding.
I love this and I always knew we carry most of the load of the household and the child care however to see those the stats is actually is mind blowing.
This is so well said. I’ll admit that I could’ve guessed some of those stats, actually seeing them FLOORED me. (And also made me feel seen. and…sane?)
I think that’s exactly why those statistics stuck with me too. None of them felt shocking, and yet seeing them in black and white was somehow validating. Like, “Oh, I’m not imagining this. 😅